tremendous amount of stuff happening. i have fallen in love. oh me oh my good god ya'll! this is strong. such a love is a mover of mountains, of miracle amongst miracles. thank god. i needed something like this, my heart was starting to feel far away. and with a beauty such as this it has been awakened and shaken, brought to its humble knees before the goddess herself to whom i would please. yesterday was the equinox, most holy of days as celebrated by the ancients, when day and night are equal, and spring is ushered in. the breeze was warm, and there was love in my heart. at work we performed a ritual, created a magic potion from an ox horn which had been hidden in the earth for a year, which was full of cow shit. we then took the cow shit out and put it into giant tubs of water and swirled them around for one hour. then it was time for tea. after that, we took our wands which were made out of tree branches, and then blessed the entire garden with the sanctified water. so much fun! the entire time people were playing drums and dancing and singing songs. what a blast.

3.12.11

edinburgh is, to date, the most amazing city i've ever been to. i'm starting to come to terms with the impact the harry potter book series has had on my consciousness, as edinburgh is the containing for that magick. this place feels like new orleans, there are spirits everywhere. walking around last night was like entering into a majestic dream, almost too much. the second i got here was like getting an electric shock straight to the third eye, my jaw dropped as soon as i stepped off the bus. literal magick. i cannot describe it beyond that, thank god. i feel like i've been waiting to come here for my whole life! giddy like a schoolgirl, i'm in love. i accidentally stumbled upon my hostel last night. i had no idea where it was but i was ok with that. i figured i would just follow my fancy as the city was so entrancing and lo and behold, i walked right to it. i got directions via the internet at a cafe called the black medicine cafe (one of the main places where jk rowling composed the harry potter series). from there i made it to my hostel and then got a bite to eat at a vegan/vegetarian baked potato restaurant. amazing food. i saw a flyer there advertising a balkan gypsy music party that was at a club some distance away. in keeping with the theme of last night, i wandered straight to it without any real regard for where i was going. i showed up a little early and decided to go to a pub nearby and wait for the doors to open. i enjoyed a nice beer and then headed to the venue. i walked into a very smoky room wherein there was circled in the center of the room an entire cabaret, 12 musicians all playing acoustic klezmer music. they even had a belly dancer! i love the mystery of the gyspy community, when i hear that music it is calling to a culture whose home has been everywhere and nowhere. like being at rainbow. i then made the acquaintance of a lovely young girl with whom i chatted at length. i don't remember her name but i remember making some delicious eye contact with her in the venue and then followed her outside. she was from switzerland. after talking for some time we decided to head back in to dance with the next act. this time the band was composed of about 15 people, they were also from switzerland, and they rocked. me and my lovely lady friend danced together almost all night, until the show turned into a raucous mosh pit. one of the best i've ever been in. the entire audience was imbued with a sense of love and respect, and the dancing was magnificent. unfortunately, as the dancing got started my glasses were taken victim by the concert and i was never to see them again. thank god i brought replacements to findhorn. but today i wander around without the ability to see details at a distance. yet it hasn't diminished the lustre and depth of the city. the weather today is characteristically scottish, rainy and wet, very cloudy. you can hear the sound of bagpipes echoing over the streets and i see now the culture from which that music has come. walking past a tour group i overheard the guide describing the criteria by which witches and witchcraft was persecuted in old world scotland. the first telltale sign was red hair. rowan is the name which people with red hair are usually given here. the entire group saw me walking by and we all shared a nice laugh. i am home. love.

images of inverness

adventures and events

it's been a few days since my last post. i've been thinking about what to write and its been quite difficult to address any particular thing that i've done in the past week, so i've decided to just let it be. yesterday, however, was absolutely wonderful. our friday's are dedicated to 'study' which means that we get the day off and can do whatever we want (at least this friday was). so i did yoga in the morning, ate a massive lunch (as per usual), but then started scotland hopping. first thing, hitched out of findhorn. got an awesome ride from a brother named nick who drove me to forres, which is really just down the road. as soon as i got out of his car i saw a giant bus with the name 'inverness' on it and high tailed it to the bus. i was standing in line with a gentlemen and i asked him how much the bus was, to which he replied, 'you want to buy this bus?' I'm started to understand british humor a little more. hahaha. i got on the bus and headed to inverness. it took about 45 minutes to get there so that allowed me to relax and enjoy the scenery. an interesting side note, however, is that i was quite nervous and felt a little uneasy while i was on the bus. it took a little while for me to get my bearings straight. i realized though, that this was really the first time that i'd been out on my own in scotland, which excited me a great deal. i don't think the reality of being in another country had really even hit me until yesterday. the bus dropped me off in inverness. i walked around trepidatiously at first, not quite sure of where to go or what to expect. i remembered, however, that there was a used book store a tour guide of ours mentioned last week as we drove through inverness on our way to loch ness. i decided that would be the best place to set up shop to get grounded. i really enjoyed walking around inverness. i entered into this goofy labyrinth shopping mall that was playing desmond dekker and had a little bit of a laugh at this place, ahh the little things. after some wandering i found the bookstore which was totally awesome. it was gigantic and had a coffee shop upstairs! so sweet. i got myself a cup of joe and decided to do some homework while i was hanging out. i read some of graham metzner's book about co-housing for my applied sustainability class. after that, after my coffee, i found a copy of the gospel of sri ramakrishna and read some passages out of that, which was absolutely uplifting. then i really took off. i left the bookstore and found this awesome health conscious cafe which was run by an old findhorn resident, so i bought a bar of raw chocolate and then crossed over the river. on the other side i found this magnificent cathedral, st. andrews. it was absolutely beautiful. huge stained glass windows, an incredible altar, beautiful wooden carvings all over the place, a total echo chamber. i was in bliss. i walked to the front of the pew and offered a prayer/meditation and wandered around in awe. everywhere i went after that was imbued with this quality of numinosity which i can hardly explain. the decor of european cities is, and i am going to make a broad generalization here, a lot more inspiring than cities in the states. it's like wandering around in a different time period, where there is still magick and mystery, the wandering nature of the streets testify to this. there is not some perfect straight line or answer to the problems of humanity, there is only an incredibly interesting journey which is nigh impossible to understand or navigate correctly. i walked around these streets, ducking into any alley or street that called to me and would enter into dialogue with my unconscious. i would literally ask it to present itself, that i might use the city as a metaphor for the labyrinthine nature of my own unconscious and then engage in a very real dialogue with myself in and as the city. so much fun! i walk around in love. my imagination is allowed more play here, and i can definitely feel it. inverness is a beautiful city. not too big, not too small, intriguing and inviting. i liked it a lot and will definitely go back. after inverness and picking up some good tourist info from a couple locals (an old bar which was a haunt of Jimmy Page's), i decided to head back. i took the bus back to forres and then went into an indian restaurant to get some take out. the guy who was working at the restaurant was great, we talked about meditation and evolution, hussein was his name, and i promised i would come back to chat with him some more. i caught the bus back to the park and saw my friend louis on it. he too had spent his day in inverness looking for a place to live. i made it back to findhorn and there was a jazz band playing in the community center, there was lots of wine and drinks and merriment to be had by all. so fun! i ate my indian food and drank wine and hung out with some amazing and beautiful people. i then finished my evening off with a hot tub.

ultimate day

yesterday was about as good as it gets. woke up. meditation. then. went to the findhorn village to get breakfast, they were closed, but it was a magnificent sunrise nonetheless. such an awesome walk. wandered around findhorn in the morning looking for hot cooked food but was unsuccessful. i think i am getting addicted to coffee again, and it feels pretty good, or it tastes good at least. i came back to the house to make toast and jam with tea. this IS my diet here. then me and the girls went over to another students bungalow to help them clean it up as one of our community members has decided to leave. it really saddens me. the program keeps getting smaller and smaller. after we helped with the cleaning i took a solo walk out onto the findhorn bay. that place has become a source of so much medicine. then lunch. a gigantic spread. i had a three course meal and was completely full. then our group went on a hike out to the findhorn river. incredible! those woods are magickal! had such a blast. then we returned and had a gigantic dinner, another three course meal with tiramisu that was full of booze! god it was awesome. then. there was a party scheduled to happen in community center and we all went and gathered a bunch of african drums and didgeridoo's. what commenced was so great. tons of people dancing and drinking and playing drums! this party went on for about 3 hours and I shook my tail off on all levels. i ditched the party early and snuck off to the hot tub. it was a totally clear night and i soaked in a whiskey barrel hot tub underneath the stars as a beautiful night cap. AHO!

to feel unequivocally. to include all aspects and attitudes unconditionally is not a doctrine, is not a practice, is not an idea, not a method. it is truth. it is reality. to call it anything else is a lie. even love. as lovely as love is. it too shalt be cast into the ocean and only its residue, the foam of the tide will remain. and that will be what you once called love. until you've seen the ocean and swam its depths, you will be forever doomed to foam. awareness has its own method, its own practice, its own attitude, and its own curriculum. it will teach you everything you need to know when it is the right time. all we can do is be patient and satisfied. that all things are in their right place at the right time. if we can open ourselves up to the most disrespected of our feelings and sentiments we can give birth to a kind of loving and trust that is saintly. it takes, however, a crucifixion and a death at all times. surrender the joy, surrender the sorrow, surrender surrender and true Presence shalt be your reward. nothing less than that is acceptable nor will it yield fruit as a spiritual practice. the wisdom of love overwhelms me every time i give into it. it knows what i need, it is what i need. i am all that i have and all that i will ever be. to the truth that is at my fingertips, my teacher and my intuition.

I found the pot of gold.

There's a transformation at hand and it is unspeakably beautiful, conceptually mundane. The work has begun. I see that my experience of positive and negative emotional states is just as much a ruse as acquiring new philosophical conceptualizations. I will not rest until I can truly rest. I see that the only truth is one wherein all things are included but not contained or isolated. All the parts are themselves whole, but they too help to create a much larger whole. Love is like that. Limitless. Thank God. The last week with this group has deepened a considerable degree. Right from the beginning my old wounds were right in front of me and I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity and the space to explore them and find healing. Nothing is solved nor will it ever be, there is only a consistent and continual surrender to something that I don't understand and don't know. I have realized the integrity of group process as a spiritual path. I understand why the circle is so sacred and learning to hold and provide the nourishment that all parts of the circle require is something that only real elders can do. For those who I have contacted thus far, thank you. I am becoming more and more inspired to give license to my voice and presence. I have been afraid of myself and my voice for so long, but I see that is because I breathe fire. I have been crushing a piece of coal into a diamond for the past 23 years and I feel it shining brighter than ever. "Random hearts in a cruel cruel world, Random hearts that beat for each other." I just have to thank god for this voice and the intrinsic intelligence with which it is imbued. Every time I speak from my heart and offer to anyone the words that are on my mind, and the quicker and more spontaneously I do so, the better I feel and the better I feel in community, the better I feel in a group. The primary concern of community is honesty, and the more honest we can be with ourselves, the more honest our communication with others will be, and the more honest our lives will become. To Love, To LOVE, TO LOVE.